The girls are currently playing really nicely on the computer downstairs, no fighting, quiet, I'm afraid they've made a huge mess, but am not going to worry, Bryan took Tyler to guitar lessons so I have 45 mins of me time if I so choose to use it. I've cleaned the kitchen from dinner, and made lunches. So why do I feel guilty? Should I go downstairs and play with them? They are being so good.
I met with a Naturopath today and the biggest take away from her is that it is a completely selfless act to do something for myself. Completely for myself. No guilt. Yes I haven't seen everyone every minute of the day today, but the time I do spend with my kids should be good quality time right? And that means mom needs to be a quality person. Not stressed. By giving to myself and loving myself I will be able to be there for my kids and really be FUN!!
I have someone in to clean my house, but I still stress over the little things, I feel guilty when I sit and relax. So I shove more things in the closet, to keep it out of sight and sit down at this computer to think, and talk.
I am going to start taking some time for me, get out of the house, get some exercise, have a bath. I totally bought the house we live in for the en suite bathroom with the jacuzzi tub and I NEVER use it. Well I'm going to; Starting tonight. Get into the bath with a book and take some more time for me. (I won't be greedy every night)
I feel like today was a great day for reflection. First when I saw the Naturopath and then when I went to teacher interviews in the afternoon. I am very thankful that each child is doing great in their classroom. Both are learning to read at their own pace (which I get to see when we read their shooting stars or rocket readers at night). The interviews gave me a chance to talk about the kids as individuals.
Tyler has a new love for learning and is interested in reading and writing, though he gets "bored" doing homework nearly every night with mom. He'd rather play wii or watch family channel when he gets home from school. Most nights that's what I allow him to do so that I can get dinner cooked, dishes put away, and just some downtime for me. Homework can be a struggle, but in the end he completes it and enjoys reading to us at bedtime.
Alexandra, is also doing great at school. She enjoys drawing and colouring and spends lots of time getting her pictures right. She is starting to put words into her pictures and can tell the teacher what the picture is of and it matches, which I am told is where they should be by the end of the year. I also got thinking about her relationship with me. How she gets under my skin and I'm going to work on it. She is a beautiful, smart, funny and independent little girl. I read a blog about a mother and her son and how she was afraid of the relationship they had and it made me realise that I too am afraid of my kid. I don't like when she pushes my buttons, but what I realised tonight in the interview with her teacher is that I let her push my buttons. I know what Alexandra is like and I know things that may set her off. I need to remind myself of the funny things she says and does and push the hard times from my mind. Alexandra has already taught me a lot about myself and I know she will continue to teach me and I will grow with her in understanding her.
I got to think about Lilly as well, though we weren't talking about her. She is different then both Tyler and Alexandra. I certainly treat her as a third child. I took her soother away on Saturday night and she didn't even ask for it again. She was ready to be a big kid and I was keeping her my baby. She is talking a LOT more lately and its getting much easier to understand her. She has started reading along with Tyler and Alexandra and is really focused with colouring.
I am so very blessed to be raising each of my beautiful children and now that I know I can be "selfish" and that I should put away some guilt, I will try to give myself some quiet time. I know that it will help me to be a better mother, wife, friend and co-worker. We only get one kick at the can, but we learn from our mistakes, and each time we go through a stressful situation we become better and stronger and life gets a little easier.
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